Hello blog.
It's been almost two years since my last post.

We're exactly half way through 2015 now..
I'm almost 2 months older than 28 years of age.

The most significant events in 2014 was my 외할아버지 (故이산도) passing in May and 친할머니 (故김복랑) passing in late November. Also, Sarang moved to the United Kingdom in July 2014 after spending 3 months in Korea staying at 삼층 - 외할머니네.

Throughout the course of last year, I remember struggling to find a balance between a full time job and assisting mum with her studies at Laidlaw College (2nd year of Bachelor of Christian Theology). I remember being upset for disappointing mum because I felt I didn't have the capacity in me to help her as she wanted. I recall beginning to belief that she and I are quite different in the ways that we think in certain things. More so, when I spent time with dad discussing various topics, I learnt he was a logical thinker and was very philosophical. My only concern was his faith and the lack of stability.

It was devastating to hear of 외할아버지's passing. I remember mum receiving a call from Korea from Sarang, her cry and calling for '엄마...' followed by the news had mum screaming and kicking out her pain. I couldn't even hold her in my arms because I knew that would not alleviate the situation in the slightest. Instead I watched her clutch her head, crying out her pain and cried out my sadness and disbelief also.

Mum, 제형삼촌, 숙모, 희정이모 and 이모부 all flew out the next day and it was just me 정필 and Patrick left in NZ - knowing not how to deal with the various emotions.

I remember meeting with Leo in hope that we could alleviate our pains by talking about 외할아버지 and the events that were then happening in Korea but I couldn't help but feel like I needed to also be in Korea with my family. In the end, after the funeral had taken place, I applied for leave from school and was granted a 5 day paid leave including two weekends.

When November came, and dad had gotten several calls from uncles about 친할머니's deteriorating health and sense of urgency, dad flew out except, he missed his flight the first time because his passport had expired..the same day of his flight, I met him in the city to help him save time in applying for an emergency application of a passport, I wrote 친할머니 a letter thanking her for the love and teachings she had given me, thanking her for everything she has done for dad and mum, and telling her how beautiful she is and my hope to meet her in Heaven. Dad said he'd read it to her a few days before she passed. I also had my last meeting with her through Skype, where I saw her still body and frail spirit. I burst into tears as I saw that she was very different from when I last saw her well and talking (although dad had sent me several pictures of her lying in bed) but dad calmed me down and told me to say what I have to say clearly. I don't remember much of what I said, it was a difficult and alien situation where I had to say my goodbyes to a dying family. I remember saying to her that I love her and that I will live to the fullest and make her proud, because I always knew 친할머니 was a hard working, ambitious woman. She was tough, sometimes so tough that I really craved more of a motherly side to her. But life makes people the way they are and also their innate character - 친할머니 had diabetes for almost her entire life, and she had lived as a widow for more than 20 years. She had been through tough financial struggles as well as other various obstacles in life. It makes me think, that her life, and many people's lives can be very dense with lots of complexities and hardships.

Another significant mark in 2014 was Sarang and I investing into our first house. We made a 5% deposit into a $550k house and land package in Warkworth. It had four bedrooms, two living areas, two bathrooms, a deck and a huge backyard, a double garage and a red front door. It was excitement itself and something that marked Sarang and I different from every other mid to late 20 year old. I definitely enjoyed the responses I got when I told people about our first investment, it made me feel grown up and clever.

In hindsight, it was God that lead us into this blessing. God promised He'd make our paths straight and I feel in a lot of ways He has done just that. The family has recovered significantly financially, we're finding new challenges and adventures. We're learning more about ourselves and God.

I've been preparing to go to the UK since a while ago now. After much thought, I applied and got granted a Refresher's Leave from Rangitoto College - much to all my colleagues' surprise as the policy goes that a teacher must work at least 5 years at a school to be considered for the leave. It was much easier to apply knowing that I was and am quite determined to leave regardless of the result. All because I know that I am at a critical stage in my life where I personally feel I need to get out and see more of the world as opposed to settling. I also felt I wanted to explore the art and design in Europe to gain in knowledge and insight so that I would be able to enrich my teaching.

At this moment in time, I am happy to be at Rangitoto College and it was such a dilemma until the point of finally deciding that I would leave at the beginning of 2016 as the students at Rangitoto College are my joy. Aside from a few bullshit from the department (something I've matured in as well is dealing with different characters and philosophies of fellow colleagues) and frustrations around all the administrative requirements (teachers wish they had more time to make resources and enrich their teaching!) Rangitoto College is a special school to me and I have really fallen in love with many of the students here..

Now,

I must wrap it up here. I am hungus Angus right now and I meant to come into the office (Sunday today) to work on my design portfolio - mind you, it is taking quite the time to get it rolling!

ps. I began sponsoring another boy Shibam from India. Sarang and I began attending Windsor Park Baptist church in early January 2014 before she left for Korea in March and I ended up moving to St Paul's Anglican church in September (due to the demographic of the Young Adults community being younger than I'd hoped) but have made some valuable friends from both churches.

What do I want

I can't remember the last time I was here.
Scribbling away my thoughts, having been inspired by something, or an incident triggering a thought in my mind.
One thing I want to add is, I miss writing. I miss organizing my thoughts into a paragraph. I miss meditating deep into my life, its direction, celebrations, changes and lessons.

I miss the wise little girl I was, but work has changed me.

I write this on the night of the last day of highschool for students. I am so glad that the year is over, that I can finally take a deep breath of relief and reflect over this year.

This year has been challenging for a number of reasons. A lot has happened that drained my emotions and energy, and it's not all that joyful and encouraging when I take the time to stop and think. The worst part has been (now that I think of it) is that experiences keep changing me into a person I don't know. I always thought every experience made you grow an inch taller, that there is at least one lesson to take away even from a bad experience. But I'm now beginning to think that some experiences will tear you apart and the only lesson that you gain from it is to never make the same mistake. - which sucks by the way.

I am making the year 2013 sound very depressing aren't I...

What didmake me smile and make my heart warm was my students that I had the privilege of looking after and teaching this year.
I love all of them so much. They are my strength & happiness.

Cheers
XO

My remedy

Brushing my fingers against the the coarse surface of the strings
The discomforting mind in exchange for a beautiful echo
The tip of my tender flesh verses the tense sounding line.

My ears float appreciating the jukebox the author of the melody.
The callousing four push and rearrange battling harder, cleaner, hotter, pleasing
Only the ears of a broken soul.

Happily Ever After

There are two ways we can approach life: spending our days meeting our needs or looking for ways to meet others' needs. one is The mystery is that when we spend our life focused on our own needs, we are never satifisfied and our deepest needs never seems to be met. But when we pour out our life and focus on how we can serve others, not only do we find incredible fulfillment, but our deepest needs are met as well.

Learning to serve leads to the "happily ever after" finish you've always dreamed of.

2 Timothy 4:2,7-8 NIV

2 Preach the Word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage - with great patience and careful instruction.

7 I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.8 Now there is in store or me the crownsof righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing.

This is how I know the Holy Spirit is in me.
I turn to the scriptures hoping God would speak and i find my thoughts in line with verses from the bible.
I had never taken note of what 2 Timothy said and yet what I was unsure of has been reassured.

After the somewhat uneasy experience I had today and yesterday i am confident that God is looking over me and He reads all my thoughts. He is a comforter, a faithful merciful redeemer. God is so good.
I 've learnt He loves His children more than I know.

도시녀와 촌녀

'자신을 지키기 위해 다른 이의 감정을 톡톡 건드려보는 사람들을 보면 그들의 삶의 태도가 바람에 날리는 종이처럼 가볍게 느껴진다.

촌스러워 보여도 관계는 순순할때 깊어진다.
남을 귀하게 여기지 못하는 순간이 바로 자기 스스로를 경히 여기고 있는 것이라는 것을 아는 것이 진정한 지혜일게다...

순수함은 드러나는 행동이 아니라 감출수 없는 삶이다.

촌스럽게 사귀자.. 그리고 촌스럽게 남을 대하자.. 그 순수함이 날 귀하게 지키는 방법이니까...

"아무 일에든지 다툼이나 허영으로 하지 말고 오직 겸손한 마음으로 각각 자기보다 남을 낫게 여기고, 각각 자기 일을 돌볼뿐더러 또한 각각 다른 사람들의 일을 돌보아 나의 기쁨을 충만하게 하라"
(빌 2:3-4)'

- anonymous의 글 -




예전에 읽고 공감갔던 글이다. 내가 추구했던 '꾸밈없는' 삶과 동일한 뜻 같아서이다.
이 글을 읽고 난 남을 낫게 여기려면 어떻게 해야할까 고민해본다.
내가 남을 섬길 수 있는 자리, 내가 가진것을 그져 나누기만 하면 된다면 조금은 쉬울것 같다.
그런데 다 동등한 자리에 서있고, 그들과 내가 똑같이 가졌을때는 어떻게 그들을 섬길텐가?


자존심이 참 무섭다.
굽어지지 않는 내 허리때문에 사람들이 멍이 든다.

하나님을 생각하면 내 자신이 부끄럽다.
내 안의 것들아...

균형잡힌 삶

불과 몇년전만 해도 '균형잡힌 삶'이란 무엇인지 항상 고민했었는데..
(my identity as 1.5 generation - in the Korean community/New Zealand community, Christian/Secular involvements, to drink or not to drink alcohol, etc)
지금은 어느정도 균형이 잡혀가는듯 하다. 여러 해 고민 끝에 깨닳은 것은, 균형잡힌 삶을 살려면 나의 가치관이 무엇인지 알아야 하는데 나의 가치관을 알려면 내 자신을 알아야 하고, 더욱 어렵게 깨닳은 것은 내 자신을 알려면 하나님을 알아야 한다는 것이다.
'내가 누구인가'에 대해 파고 파고 파다 보니 더욱 알지 못하였고, 아니, 알다가도 그것이 틀리고, 또 많이 알았다 했다가도 그것은 시작에 불과했다. 나 자신을 알게되는 과정이 너무 먼 길이기도 하고 내 자신이 누구인지 확신할수 있을때쯤에, 나는 한 나무에서 바위로 옮겨간 카멜레온 처럼 또 변하였다.
그때 난 성경을 읽고 말씀을 내 삶의 기준으로 삼을수 있음에, 또한 하나님께 매달릴수 있음에 너무 감사하다 생각하며 기도한적이 있다.

지금 문득 드는 생각은 나는 매순간 하나님을 위해 살려고 노력을 해야지 최소한 반(?)을 하나님을 위해 살 수 있는 것 같다.
나의 죄성이 나머지 시간은 그리 하지 못하도록 방해하는 것 같다.
그래도 내 자신에게 위로하는 부분은 나의 삶의 최종 목적인 하나님께 영광을 올리는 것, 하나님을 사랑하는것이 분명하니깐 중간 중간 모자란 부분은 하나님 은혜로 보살펴 주시기를 바랄 뿐이다 ^^;;

'칭찬은 고래도 춤추게 한다'
개인적으로 참 좋아하는 말인데 반대로 '춤추는 고래가 조련사로부터 칭찬을 하게끔 훈련한다'는 말에도 참 공감한다. 이 두가지는 참 지혜로운 말이다.



Compassion을 통해 Opio라는 3살반 아이를 만났다. 사진으로 말이다ㅎㅎ
앞으로 오랫동안 후원해주고 싶다. 기도와 사랑도 많이 해줄꺼다.

미래에 Opio와 내가 만나는 그날까지 ^^
God be with Opio!!! :)